Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Fist Pump Like A Champ

Ah Turtle Bay Tavern. You are objectively the worst bar on earth. Strikes against you: 1) You are in Midtown, and not even a remotely fun part of Midtown, 2) It takes for ever to get a beer at your establishment because of 3) You are packed with people that have douchey jobs. 4) Your shot girls are humorless. 5) You send me about 15 texts and 82 e-mails a day. 6) You made me take my hat off (after my 6th beer!) like you think you're some kind of classy establishment. You have shot girls for crissake! Like my hat is somehow going to ruin the carefully put together swanky aesthetic of the place...Also 7) A bunch of other reasons. That place is the worst.

About three days ago, they had Ronnie from the Jersey Shore show up. Not that there is anything wrong with that, except that I know for a fact, being that I read about it on Gawker, that bars have to pay these Jersey Shore folk an exorbitant amount of money for appearances. I'm also pretty sure that Ronnie wasn't their first choice. If you want a Jersey Shore cast member at your bar, you're going to want, in following order: Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, JWoww, and then Ronnie. The market reflects this as well. A Snooki appearance goes for $7,500, while a COMBO Ronnie and Sammie Sweetheart goes for a lowly $3,000. So what does this mean? Turtle Bay had a SOLO Ronnie appearance, which I can only surmise cost them about $1,500. Meaning they thought they had to keep up with Jones by having a Jersey Shore cast member appearance, but only shelled out for Ronnie! The cheapest one! You're the worst Turtle Bay! No one wants to party with that guy. If you're going to be an awful Midtown bar, at least go all out.

But I was there man, I was there. You may recall my super specific rule about not turning down free open bars. Well that was directed at Turtle Bay. They do this thing where every Thursday and Friday, they give a couple people a free open bar during their happy hour. The hook is they give all those people's friends half-off drinks during that time as well. So what happens is, at the cost of giving one person a couple free drinks, they get about 10 people in the bar that wouldn't have been there in the first place. Then these friends sign up to try and win an open bar. And the thing is, everyone wins one eventually. Liz has won two, my friend Greg has managed to win about four despite the fact that he lives in Korea. And when you win one, of course you're going to go, it's free drinks after all! And because you're not a sad, sad person, of course you're going to bring friends. And then of course they're going to win one eventually and on and on and on. It's essentially a snake eating itself.

So that's how I arrived at this place last night, and more than likely, not for the last time. I am a broke man. I can't say no to three hours of free beer any more so than Cathy can say no to her mom's cooking.

Any way, here's the beer list. Nothing too special to comment on, but I did manage to put up a decent number for the night.

7 at Turtle Bay: 3 Blue Point Lagers? (Maybe some wheat beer, liz not sure), 2 Guinness, 1 Sam Adams, 1 Sam Adams Winter

1 Sierra Nevada Kellerweis at home.

Total Beers for the evening: 8

Cumulative Beers Drank: 68. Where I should be: 60.273

Also, I wrote this note down when I got home: "those McDonalds "Not until I've had my coffee commercials" write about those." I'm not sure what I had to say about them, but I bet it was hillarious.

1 comment:

  1. Well, the important thing is that Turtle Bay is helping to fund your quest.