99 Bottles of Beer on My Blog

The title of this post comes from Liz, who was tripping balls on Thermaflu and a 101 degree fever when she said it. You may have guessed from the title that I have in fact hit 99 beers. Also, using your best deductive reasoning skills, you probably figured out that I had some beers last night. You're so smart! I'll tell you this now: last night I had four beers, 1 giant bottle of Sam Adams Noble Pils (I'll insert a story right here. I never had this beer before, as it's pretty new. I wondered what the ABV of it was, and before I looked it up, I guessed 5.2. Well guess what chumps? It was 5.2! I have extremely useful skills. I will probably put this ability on my resume.) , 1 Brooklyn Lager, 1 Brooklyn Pennant Ale, and 1 Brooklyn Brown Ale. I'll mix it up even more and put the numbers in the middle here:

Total Beers: 99

Where I Should Be: 98.630

Well look at that. I am back on schedule. More importantly, I am feeling juuuuust fine, ready get back to it tonight. And even more importantly, I have giant decision to make. What should me 100th beer be? Seems like a pretty momentous occasion, and I don't want to waste it on just any old beer. I will admit that I had hoped to be at 100 by the end of January, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men...I'm not actually sure how that saying ends. The point is it didn't happen.

Here's my thought on the 100th beer. You may recall a few posts back when I discussed snow, Snow, and Rude Elf. Well guess what chumps (Another long story I'll stick in a paranthetical. I just typed that sentence and didn't even realize that I had typed the exact same thing two paragraphs back. It seems I woke up in mood to call you all chumps and make you guess things.)? It's snowing!!!!!!!!!!!! And I still have a couple of bottles of Rude Elf!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this is what they call in the publishing biz, "symmetry"*)! So the decision seems obvious, right? Not so fast, chumps. Rude Elf clocks in at around 11.o ABV, AND it's one of those giant 25 oz bottles. Meaning: drinking it would essentially be the equivalent of drinking a whole bottle of wine by myself. I am willing to do this, but due to my self imposed limitations, it would only count as one beer, and much like early morning dew in the summer, I would be gone after an hour.** If I did this, I run the risk of only drinking 2 or 3 beers tonight, which would seem like a waste of a perfectly good Saturday evening.

But you know what? I don't think I can argue with the universe here. This may be the last snow of the season, or hopefully it is, and there might not be any more Rude Elf drinking weather. Combine that with the fortuitous chance to have one of my favorite beers of all time mark my completion of 1/10th of my 1000 beers, and I think I have my answer. I'll be having a Brooklyn Lager for my 100th beer.*** Psyche!**** It'll be a Rude Elf. You chumps are so gullible.

*That's true as far as I know.

**I recognize that's the worst simile of all time, I just wanted to use all three homonyms of do/due/dew in the same sentence.

***Classic misdirect!

****Classic psyche out!

URGENT!!!!!!

I have a new mini-mission in my 1000 beer year. To drink these 3 beers:

The problem is that I most assuredly cannot buy them for myself because they are, if not in fact then in spirit, macrobrews. So here comes the URGENT!!!! part. Someone buy these for me. Immediately. I cannot believe these beers exist until I drink them. I mean someone has to drink them, right?

Also, here's a little preview for tomorrow's entry: BEER DRINKING!

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce, Pierce You're a B

I'll go ahead and put the numbers upfront.

Total Beers: 95

Where I Should Be: 95.890

Well there you have it. I am below the magic line. I am officially behind schedule. When my book comes out, I think this chapter will be called "The Lost Week." As you can surmise from the numbers, I didn't do any drinking last night. Could I have? Maybe. But here's the thing. In addition to participating in an ill-advised, self-imposed drinking challenge, I also have to somewhat function as a human being. I know, I know. I said I expected this challenge to ruin my life a little bit, and I still do. But in the words of the immortal John Darnielle,* you just can't do things your body won't let you, and my body wouldn't let me put any beer into it last night. Jumping back in the game too soon was an awful, awful idea. I hate to be cliche, but it was one step forward and then two steps back and a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush and the grass is always greener on the other side.

But there is a silver lining to every cloud (see what I did there?). By abstaining from beer for a day longer than I absolutely had to, I feel confident that I will be able to bounce back tonight and this weekend with tenacity. Even if I only drink three beers a day for the rest of the week, I'll still be ahead of schedule by next Thursday. Also, for future American Bar Association admission panelists determining my fitness of character, this should conclusively prove that I do not have a drinking problem, that I can, in fact, take time off from drinking. And let's think about something for a second. I only drank three beers over the course of the week, yet I am less than one beer behind schedule! That's insane! At least it seems insane to me.

I still have that case of Brooklyn beers, and lest you fret, I am getting back to it tonight! In the spirit of complex metaphors (I think that's the word I want to use here), watch this video of Jason Richardson destroying Carlos Boozer's fragile ego back in 2003 to understand the bounce back I will have!

*I don't think anyone has tried cutting his head off, so I don't know how true the "immortal" description is.

Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp

Zero beers. Zero beers last night. We'll see about tonight. If I don't tonight, I'm pretty sure I fall below that dreaded line. But you know what? I kind of want to not drink tonight just to see how it feels to play the underdog. Maybe I'll be contrarian and drink some scotch or something. I'm sure you'll all be on pins and needs to see how this turns out!

(also Liz has the normal flu and apparently needs constant attention, which may cut into my drinking)

Back on the Saddle, Unfortunately

After a near three day abstention from beer, last night I came back swinging. Unfortunately, it might have been a day too soon. Feeling fully recovered from the stomach flu, I went out and bought a mixed case of Brooklyn Brewery beers. I ate dinner, I did my work, I had three hours of Office repeats on tap. I was fully settled in for a night of catching up (or regaining my lead). I cracked open a Brooklyn Brown Ale. Poured it down my gullet. So far so good. Feeling emboldened by a successful first beer, I went back for round two. Cracked open a Brooklyn East India Pale Ale (Side note on this beer, it's 6.8 ABV, which is way higher than I thought it was). Poured that down my gullet. At this point I'm not feeling bad, per se, but a little hobbled.

I would now like to compare myself to Amar'e Stoudemire, circa the end of the 2006/2007 NBA season.

I'm recovering from a devastating injury, one that has taken me out of the game. I'm feeling, if not fully recovered, then recovered enough. Now I don't really need to come back at the end of the season. If I stay out, I can come back in full stride at a later date. But I have the heart of a champion. So I jump back in the game. First game back goes great. I drop 19 and 9 in about 20 minutes of play. Second game back, not as great as my first game, but I'm still in it, and some set backs are to be expected. The third game back is when it all comes undone. I re-aggravate my injury early in the game and I'm once again out for the season.

As if my metaphor needed explaining, games played = beers drank. I cracked open a third beer, a Pennant Ale. Poured it out, took a couple sips and then BAM, re-aggravated my prior injury. My stomach was having none of that. I had to stop. Liz pinch hit for me and finished the beer.* I'm not back at square one here, but I pretty much felt like garbage for the rest of last night and for the better part of the day. Now I'm left with the potential of another beer-free evening tonight and wondering if I should have waited another day to get back to drinking. The moral of this story, I guess, is if you're in some ridiculous beer drinking challenge and you get the stomach flu, maybe wait more than two days to start drinking again.

Total Beers: 95

Where I Should Be: 90.410

*Liz advised me to count 3, instead of 2, beers because, unlike me, she is a dirty cheat.

A New Day Has Dawned

So last night, as predicted, was another beerless evening. But fret not! I am sitting in front of a mixed case of Brooklyn beers and will get to them just as soon as I am done with my law school reading! And to build suspense (actually because I am wicked lazy), I will not be updating the beers drank/where I should be numbers today, but for those of you who just can't wait till tomorrow, I am sure you'll be able to figure it out. (Hint: 93 plus 0 is 93)

Putting up a Donut

So it has come to this. A beer free evening. Even more shocking, perhaps, is that it will likely be two beer-free evenings in a row. The reason being: I am sick. Not in a, "I have a cold that I can drink through" kind of sick, but in the, "I think I have the stomach flu" kind of sick. Believe me, if I could drink a beer, I would. And if you think I seriously thought about doing this...

...well, I did, but in a rare moment of clear thinking, I opted against it. But you know what? I'm not too concerned. This may come a shock to many of you, but I am pretty sure that I will drop below the "where I should be" line at sometime during this year. Things happen. You get sick. You have finals. Your wife threatens to leave you if you don't ease up on this nonsense (Kidding! Like that would stop me!*). It's all part of the plan. Every night I drink 3 beers, I am ahead of schedule. So sometimes I'll be days ahead. Occasionally I might be a day or two behind. But what is a challenge without a little bit of drama? I don't want this 1000 beer year to become the U Conn Women's Basketball Team of year long drinking challenges.** I want it to be interesting. So expect drama! Expect excitement! Expect romance! But most of all, expect me to restart my beer drinking just as soon as I can keep down anything more than water.

Total Beers: 93

Where I Should Be: 84.931

And look at that, I'm still about 4 days ahead.

*It probably would.

**Look it up!